In the wake of toxic publicity and a falling stock price due to its mishandling of a conflict with a passenger, United Airlines announced today that it’s rolling out a special promotion that is sure to keep their flyers happy in the friendly skies. Starting next week, in addition to the option of paying a little extra for a seat in first class or a seat with more leg room, passengers will have the option of sitting in “assault-free seats” as they fly towards their destination.
It’s a radical departure from the current United policy in which employees and policemen reserve the right to brutally knock out random passengers and drag their lifeless bodies down the aisle of the plane so that other passengers can make viral videos of them.
“You Spoke, We Listened”
“It turns out that passengers who pay for a flight actually prefer not to be assaulted, but rather, to just peacefully stay in their seats and arrive at their destination unharmed. I did not know this,” said Oscar Munoz, United CEO. “With all this bad publicity we’ve been getting, we went ahead and splurged and hired one of those fancy Manhattan consulting companies to help us with this issue.”
“We asked them what they thought about us beating up our customers. We were expecting a thick report full of analysis and maybe all the pros and cons of humiliating the people who keep us in business. But you know what…there was no thick report. They just sent us back a quick email to say we should immediately stop it.”
United Airlines’ Board of Directors held a few long meetings in order to weigh this option. It was finally decided that…instead of totally ending the practice of kicking the crap out of its customers, passengers on United flights would be given the option of paying for seats in which they were guaranteed to not be assaulted.
Snoozin’ or a Bruisin’…it’s your choice.
“We’re all about options here at United,” said Munoz. “Some people want a super cheap flight. They just wanna get from point A to point B without spending any money. Well that’s just fine with us. We understand…money’s tight these days. But just to be clear…if any one of our flight attendants gets in the mood for a little ass-kicking, more than likely it’s gonna be one of these cheapskates who takes that beating. I mean, c’mon…you get what you pay for.”
“But if you’d like to avoid that experience and have a nice, smooth flight, just pay the $59.95 and we’ll totally leave you alone. You can read your book, take a nap or play some Candy Crush and we’ll just lay into some other poor soul on the plane. And if you can’t afford the $59.95, you can pay $29.95 and you’ll just be roughed up a little. No biggie.”