National “You’re a Racist” Association Zeroes In On Houston

It was beginning to seem like the National “You’re a Racist” Association was running out of fresh targets to direct their accusations of racism. There was some degree of panic at ESPN, The New York Times, Deadspin and other purveyors of racial discussion. If they couldn’t find another public figure to express some fresh, new racist opinions, they would be left with no choice but to write new articles about the heroism of Colin Kaepernick. racist houston

Fortunately for them, two public figures in Houston stepped in it this past week, providing the “You’re A Racist” Association with several days worth of renewed outrage and fresh material for racist accusations. Bob McNair, owner of the Houston Texans, told other NFL owners “we can’t have inmates running the prison.” The intent of the comment was to suggest that NFL owners (which are mostly white) shouldn’t allow NFL players (which are mostly black) to call the shots in how the league is run. The comment demonstrated undeniably bad judgment for a man who’s trying to alleviate racial tension in his billion-dollar business.

And then Astros’ first baseman Yuli Gurriel, moments after hitting a solo home run off of Japanese pitcher Yu Darvish in Game 3 of the World Series, made a racist gesture with his hands and eyes. Here it is:

Both McNair’s comment and Gurriel’s gesture led to a huge sigh of relief at the National “You’re A Racist” Association (NYARA). They immediately scrapped their planned article for the following day, You’re A Racist If You Stand for the National Anthem and busily worked on new headlines:

Houston, You Have a Racism Problem
One Giant Leap Backward for Mankind
Houston’s in the South…and Is Therefore Racist
Racism Doing More Damage in Houston Than Harvey

Internal memos were quickly dispatched to NYARA journalists. In the memos, members were encouraged to portray these racist gestures “as a threat to humanity” and “a clear indication that the world is coming to an end.” NYARA members then wasted no time in relaying the message to their legions of followers;


For every public comment by an actual NYARA member, hundreds of comments were tweeted by aspiring members. To be accepted by the Association, a recruit must pledge his / her allegiance to all NYARA opinions and must also abandon any critical thinking skills which may lead them to contrary opinions.

NYARA President & Miami Herald writer Dan Le Batard had this to say about the new controversies:

We really lucked out in this case because even we were growing tired of our own “You’re A Racist” articles. I mean, how many more ways could we claim that you’re a racist if you voted for Trump? It was getting old. But now, because of these bone-headed incidents in Houston, we can now throw every racist allegation in the book against that city. It’s a big relief.

NYARA VP & Deadspin editor Tim Marchman was relieved that the regrettable incidents occurred in Houston;

Well you see it works out perfectly for us that this occurred in Houston. It’s undeniable that white people live in Houston. Houston’s in Texas, which voted heavily for Trump. So it goes without saying that Houston is the epicenter of racism in America.

Besides, we never wanted a team with so many white guys (Astros) to do well in the playoffs. We would much rather prefer that a team with more brown players like the Yankees or Dodgers would win it all. But I guess that’s what you get in a sport like baseball. Even the ball they play with is white. It’s just a racist sport from top to bottom.

The spokesman for the National “You’re A Racist” Association mentioned in a press conference that the NYARA headquarters will be moving from New York City to temporary facilities in Houston, adding that “We’re gonna be here for awhile.”

As for Texans owner Bob McNair, accusations of racism are just the beginning. First of all, he’s white and “probably racist due to his whiteness”. But he’s also rich, which opens up a whole new can of accusations which can be directed at him.

People with opinions that are contrary to the NYARA’s have pointed out that Houston is one of the most ethnically-diverse cities in the nation. Both McNair and Gurriel have publicly apologized for what they said and did. Both have suffered incredibly negative publicity and have shown genuine remorse for their mistakes. But this contrition is irrelevant to the NYARA. I was granted a brief interview with the NYARA rep and here’s what she had to say:

“Just between you and me…we’re not really looking for contrition or ‘sincere apologies’. All we really wanted was for someone…anyone…to say some racisty stuff so we could use it to generate a few more weeks of outrage and self-righteous headlines. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that they apologized. We absolutely love it when they embrace the shame that we direct at them.

But the apologies don’t change our gameplan whatsoever. We still want McNair to be tarred and feathered in public. We still want the Texans franchise to be taken from him. Yuli Gurriel’s paychecks must be withheld. We demand that he is banned from baseball and forced to make a video in which he cries and validates our outrage. That’s all were asking for. And if anyone thinks these punishments are extreme, then they’re probably racist too.”

Racist Houston

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2017-10-28T20:22:47+00:00 October 28, 2017|HUMOR, SPORTS|

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