To my fellow lords of the underworld and corporate boardrooms…I bid you greetings.
I hope you’re having a fantastic week of dominion and mind-control over the masses. As you know, we have a meeting scheduled for this upcoming Monday at 8pm. But this appointed time is creating conflicts for several of our fellow Illuminati brothers. We’re left with no choice but to reschedule this meeting for a later time.
I urge all of you, my fellow brethren, to keep in mind the importance of this meeting’s agenda. There are many diabolical matters for us to attend to. And as you know, this meeting was already postponed once before. We had intended to meet on November 8th to celebrate our candidate’s victory in the presidential election, but alas, it didn’t work out the way we planned. Several of you were gnashing your teeth in anger and tearing off your red robes, so we had to reschedule.
SO MUCH WORK TO BE DONE
However, we absolutely cannot continue delaying these pressing issues. Disney needs to know who their next teen star should be. The NBA needs a decision on which teams will win the next few championships. We also have diseases to release, propaganda to promote and wars to wage. We can’t keep putting this stuff off, my brethren.
And don’t forget the little things…we must find ways to get more triangular shapes to appear in popular music videos. Triangular shapes are down 6% from this time last year. This is unacceptable. We’ll get Beyoncé on the phone and see if she can pick up the slack for us again.
I know you’re all very busy. You have corporations and countries to run. But let’s not forget our unified mission of keeping the masses in the dark, unaware of our control over their lives as we shape world events in our favor.
If we get lazy in our efforts, the populations of the planet will start working together in harmony and mutual self-interest. They’ll peacefully resolve their conflicts. And they’ll realize their own capacity to provide for themselves and not rely on the provisions of government. As you well know, we can’t let any of this happen.
WE NEED NEW IDEAS
I wish more of you would show the initiative and talent of our beloved Mr. Zuckerberg. None of you seem to have any ideas as powerful as his excellent brainwashing platform. Nearly every American adult is obsessed with it.
Along those lines, we successfully rolled out Snapchat to control the minds of teenagers. And it looks like our fidget spinner toys are effectively programming the minds of their younger brothers and sisters. But who can tell me what we have planned for the next generation?
A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED
I have to admit, your lack of communication often makes me question if you’re all still committed to the cause. Your lack of participation has left me no choice but to search the Illuminati forums online to come up with new ideas. And I must say, most of the schemes those losers are attributing to us are quite stupid.
However, with so few calls or emails coming from you, we’ve had no choice but to turn some of these crazy theories into reality. For example, we’re now building an old-looking movie set where the Apollo moon landing was supposedly staged. Great idea! Also, we had never thought of pumping flouride into the public’s drinking water until I read someone’s claim that we’re doing it. Well, we’re certainly doing it now! And the other day I read that we’re supposedly spying on everyone through the cameras on their phones. I thought to myself; “My heavens, we must start doing this immediately!”
WE NEED YOUR HELP
Beloved overlords of the dark world, you all need to play your part and help us out. Our workload is burning us out. Do you realize Miley Cyrus has been publicly twerking for the last five years because that’s the last thing we told her to do? It’s totally embarrassing! We have no idea what to do with her. Every day she calls here and leaves voicemails, asking us for new orders. And don’t get me started with LeBron James…he’s furious! We promised him no less than 6 NBA Championships in exchange for his soul and so far we’ve only delivered 3.
Some of you have asked if we can simply chat over Skype. I’m sorry but this will not do. Last time we tried this, our Latin chants were all out of sync and it was very distracting. Besides, if we’re not all in the same room during the goat sacrifice ceremony, it’s just not the same.
Our favorite activities are only fun when we’re all together; wearing masks, drinking out of goblets and having weird sex. I was also hoping we could all watch National Treasure again…such a fun movie, everyone loves it.
SAVE THE DATE
Check your schedules and let’s see if we can find a time to meet that works for everyone. I’ll summon the shadowy forces below to make sure it also works for them. Oh that reminds me…I realize Mr. Cruise is currenly on location filming Mission: Impossible 6, but we simply must have him in attendance. His input is so valuable to us.
Well gentlemen, that’s all for now. As soon as we’re all in agreement, I’ll send out an evite. Please pass this message along to our brothers who are still using AOL email accounts. I leave you with this, our favorite quote from The Usual Suspects;
“The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”
Lord Maximillian Octavius von Rockefeller Bilderberg